New Tactic
New tactic when in a frustrating conversation with a person with a viewpoint very different from my own. I know we will not change each other’s minds by spouting our opinions, providing evidence, sharing experience.
I am experimenting with letting go of changing their opinions and just asking questions without challenge that might evoke defensiveness and with a hope of opening a path of thinking, wherever it may lead them.
So when a young woman told me she and her husband are talking about getting guns for protection, I was interested to know more since I hadn’t had many opportunities to talk with people in that culture. I asked “What are you afraid of that you need that protection?” Her answer was vague. I didn’t challenge her but left it.
I realized that I could take a stance similar to what we do in a collaborative process to look at our practice. In that process, we are not trying to get a person to think or do something we suggest or want. We want to help with opening new ways to think about a dilemma, problem or position. We ask clarifying questions for our own understanding and probing questions to expand our colleague’s understanding.
I am preparing for a conversation with a colleague who works in the bureaucracy of a district. I do not want to waste my energy trying to convince her to let go of what she is told to support if she wants to keep her job. Instead, I am thinking about questions I might ask–the answers might help me understand avenues we can address or perhaps lead to a stronger working relationship. Maybe even get her thinking of alternatives. I am prepared to listen with an open mind, to hear without argument (even in my own mind).
For more information on probing questions, see Tools for Leaders or SRI
Examples of probing questions I might use:
Why do you think this is the case?
What would have to change in order for … ?
What’s another way you might … ?
What sort of impact do you think …? to.
When have you done/experienced something like this before?
What might you see happening in the department/school if … ”
What do you assume to be true about … ?
What is the connection between … and … ?
and my favorite:
What is your hunch about …?